When I first had my miscarriage I was often told to write about it. I did, in the form of a blog, I had always thought about blogging but was always to lazy to do it. Turns out writing straight out of an emotional hell hole is far too much for me. I felt like I had to keep writing even though I didn’t want to (I have no idea why as i’m sure no one was reading it) I think it was something to do and in my head it felt like if I could get it all out there it would go away, which obviously is absolutely ridiculous. I wrote anonymously as I was so ashamed of what I had ‘done’ to my son. Which is also a rather ridiculous notion… So this time I am using my blog to help me remember what happened and come to terms with some awful events that occur in life occasionally. This time I seem to be actually enjoying blogging. One thing I want to do is immortalize the way I was feeling when this all originally happened to me so occasionally I will put up a post that I wrote from my old blog. This is how I was feeling on Monday the 29/02/2016 four days after I lost Kai my son.
Life is a very funny joke. One second your traveling in one direction and the next life decides that you need to travel in a different one. I’ve decided to start writing out the hard core nasty that the universe has been throwing at me recently, because quite frankly, my brain needs an outlet.
As most in most recent mornings I have awoken at 4AM (a completely unnatural time of day) because my brain has decided it would like to discuss the events of Thursday, again. Although this may seem totally inappropriate to most people, I have been told by experts that it is totally appropriated. The reason for this being that on Thursday I lost my son after 18 weeks of being pregnant. The last thing I want is to pour out dramatic nonsense on the internet for people I have never met to read. What I want is to be able to write nonsense on the internet so that perhaps one person reads it and feels that they aren’t alone. I want to connect with all the beautiful people out there who have also been in this situation or maybe haven’t been in this situation. I am not writing to an exclusive club. I am writing to human beings.
If you don’t want to know the details of any kind of miscarriage please stop reading. (although this is mainly just me moaning)
The first thing I am going to do is blame myself, which I have been told I definitely should not do. However my brain disagrees at this moment in time. I was at work when it started, perhaps doing things I shouldn’t have been doing. That particular shift I had been left to do things I should not have been doing on my own, I felt ill, I was in pain but I didn’t think it was important. I ignored my body because I am nurse and my patients are more important. I didn’t want to stand up for myself for fear of letting people down.
Lesson number one: Work is just not important, my job, colleagues and patients would have easily survived without me. I am just far to arrogant to see this.
I didn’t want to go off work sick because maternity pay is not fantastic and this happened to be within the two months where my maternity pay was being calculated from.
Lesson number two: Money just isn’t worth it
Other reason I blame myself are totally different day to day, they range from I must have been having too much sex to I must have drank far too much tea. The list is endless and although yesterday I found myself seriously crying at some chicken in the fridge, generally afterwards my sense of humor returns and I realize how ridiculous I am.
Lesson number three: Never blame a cup of tea for anything, I am British and will not slander tea.
I have been told repeatedly now that I did nothing wrong, I hope one day I will believe this too.
If it helps anyone reading, this was my intention all those months ago, I wanted to show that losing your baby is survivable, and you can come out of it a hero. My life is so different now compared to how it was before I lost Kai, I have him to thank for that, it is his legacy. I survived a miscarriage and i’m damn proud of that, as sad as it is I am a better person. Kai has improved my life and made such positive impact on myself and the people around him, and although its not in the way I originally planned for him I am proud of him and I will always love him for it.
I got through this because I didn’t want to give up, I didn’t want to be small and insignificant anymore, I made sure I took advantage of all the help from the many miscarriage and child loss charity’s that offered me it. I got back on my feet and told the universe to fuck off. I worked hard to get through it. The one thought was ‘My son will never be a negative influence on my life’ and it’s still true that he never will be. SANDS, SIMBA and Aching Arms all helped me a great deal and if you are going through a similar situation to me I fully advise seeking them out.
So that’s my normality for having a miscarriage.