I’ve never reached the middle before, so everything is very new to me! After loosing one baby you feel like you have no right to complain about the many bad side effects of pregnancy, especially when everybody who has been pregnant is telling you how wonderful pregnancy is and how much they loved being pregnant. I don’t like being pregnant, I just want a baby. So far pregnancy has thrown at me: Pelvic pain, back pain, clicky hips, vomiting every five seconds, enough acid to melt my insides, the sense of smell of a bloodhound (which is not fun when you are a nurse) and many many other things. So no I don’t enjoy pregnancy. I also don’t enjoy worrying about miscarrying constantly. This doesn’t stop me feeling awful about the fact that I don’t enjoy it and often I find myself having an angry inner monologue about how much of a ungrateful wimp I am. It took 3 years for me and my husband to conceive Kai, we still don’t know why and honestly we tried everything then one day I was pregnant. After loosing Kai it then took only 4 months to become pregnant again (which makes no sense what so ever) I still don’t understand. My reproductive history pretty much explains why I feel I have no right to complain.
Despite this I am feeling a little fed up. I am currently off sick from work (which is something I avoid generally) I am being threatened with crutches by my physio therapist, which I don’t want as it is pretty difficult to do my job on crutches. I seriously do not want to end up on my maternity early as I don’t want to be robbed of spending my maternity with my baby. I have been given a plan to try and help which involves sitting incredibly uncomfortably, with all the cushions on the sofa packed behind my back, feet flat on the floor. My husband takes great pleasure in ensuring I am sat like this every time he sees me. Apparently this condition is called SPD which i’m sure many people have suffered with and moaned a lot less than me. I have been given a total of 3 weeks off work and I am going to take it in fear of ending up unable to do my job further down the line. However I am incredibly bored and probably am worse at home because I cant not do things. There is only so much TV you can watch before feeling a little bit insane (seriously I don’t want to watch ‘Homes under the hammer’ ever again) So yesterday I decided to try and give the lounge a little tidy, only that turned into a ‘clean every crevice day’ which I got scolded for the minute Tom came home.
So in order to keep myself away from crutches I have decided to listen to the physio, Tom and my boss. I make sure I keep doing the exercises my physio has given me, Sitting in awkward positions, going for walks with breaks in between (There is Shipley Park near by, which is nice and has lots of benches) , No swimming (yet), and finding other things to keep myself occupied that are not going to injure me (If anyone has anything they can think of I would be grateful) So far I have depressed myself by looking at amazing holidays I cant afford, researched my condition on the internet and convinced myself that I will be unable to walk soon (I know how bad this is, especially as I tell my patients not to) and I have also looked up… baby stuff that I need to get.
Initially I was so excited about doing this, seeing as last time I hadn’t managed this and its taken a while for me to feel comfortable even buying little things. However I soon had a headache, I don’t know what I need to buy and what I don’t. There are so many things that I had never even thought of that the internet has convinced me I need to buy (A snuzpod). In regards to prams, my grandma is buying it and has said it doesn’t matter what price, despite this i’m now finding myself trying very hard not to buy an expensive one as I just feel too bad, the amount of options for prams though is quite frankly scary. I don’t know what Isofix means but apparently I need a car seat with this… There are literally so many opinions on what you should and shouldn’t use you would think it a miracle any human baby survived without all this equipment!
As always i’m sure even though I am a massive skeptic, I will buy most of this stuff out of fear of something horrible happening, i’m guessing is the general trend in parenting.
23 weeks and counting.
love Kate x